What really goes into being a quizzer?

Curiosity? Mental alertness? Desire to learn? Ability to remember? Then the truth stung me like a bee with a hard-on stinger… that behind every quizzer, there are tons of lies, deceit and high quality market research. We did our own – behind the door reading, stealing and cross-spying and came up with the following…

Here they are – The ten “arbit” traits of a good quizzer (alternatively – How to win any quiz, without actually winning anything)

1. Willingness to spend that extra bit of time away from family: can you cook up instant stories of a high school re-union or a dinner with office colleagues or even better, after office hours work at office? If so, you might be eligible to get waiver to get into a local quiz club. You need to be diligent, you need to work hard to remember the lies in your life. After you become a member of the club, don’t forget to pay the fees and subscribe to their newsletter. Chances are that such newsletters always provide good material for rumours about quizzers and how quizmasters never read them. Write emails in the forums to everyone else subscribed to it, ranting about how quizmasters never ask questions on topics you like, attaching an excel file containing 25 sheets of all your favourite topics. You never know, maybe the quizmaster will open the file and be generous to you. It’s a maybe!

2. Sneaking up on your boss giving some really good, believable story about being how your long lost relative was found or how you’re already twice dead grandparent is hospitalized or how urgent your wife or kid needs your attention. You might not be awarded an Oscar (you might want to check with Danny Boyle on that one) but you get time off to snuck away some pages from Wikipedia. Take backups of all your data storage and store them in a bank locker and never read them again. Chances are, some of the questions will be asked in the next prelims and you would not remember the surname of the ancestor of the great-grandfather of Barrack Obama. You will only miss qualifying by 0.00001 points. Cussing is accepted!

3. Follow the lifestyle of FBI/ CBI/ CIA agents to understand how you can maintain a secret, confidential, low profile lifestyle so that nobody knows what kind of material you are reading. Ensure again that you never read your own secret files and merely store them in a vault that’s guarded by armed security personnel from the India Pakistan border.

4. Create a company to do market research and hire MBA grads from Ivy Leagues to lead the show. The objective of the company is to subscribe to every twitter feed, facebook status, webpage, site, blog post, rumour, youtube video, viral video and anything even remotely connected to every celebrity, non-celebrity and to-be-celebrity on planet earth, asteroids, meteorites and all parallel universes in the Marvel and other worlds. This is to ensure you won’t miss out on a tie-breaker question in an Inter-universe level finals for a quiz that’s hosted by a non-quizzer. You don’t have to read them all, but subscription is a must.

5. Are you steel-hearted enough to steal the dream sharing machine from “inception”, go into the dreams of every famous quizmaster and their research teams in India and implant questions for their next quiz? Note – ensure you already have the answers for the questions you plant. If your answer is yes, we have a job for you!

6. If #5 doesn’t work for you, then you need to hire a high-paid, grumpy, young techie from a NYSE listed Indian software company to write a program for you to guess every single thought of questions by every leading quizmaster in India.  Ensure that the billing is in USD and is not less than 80% of India’s GDP or 100% of the salaries of quizmasters, whichever is higher.

7. Employ detectives to check on the lifestyles of the entire research team; what movies they recently watched, what kind of sports they follow, what recent foreign cities they visited, what brands they use at home and work etc to understand the mental make-up of the quizmaster before the quiz. Also, try to get a copy of the resumes of the quizmaster and his entire research team. Sometimes quizzes have photos or questions relating to the neighborhoods of the research team – so it’s good to have a dekko of their homes too! Most importantly – ensure there are no counter-detectives from the quiz research team to foil your detectives’ all important mission.

8. Do your homework on the quiz itself. Analyze popular urban legends every second to ensure you are in sync. Read quiz reviews and make trend charts on how business quizzes have general knowledge type questions and how “open” quizzes are actually closed door quizzes. We always recommend throwing a party for the popular quizzers (read winners) and quizmasters. Get them drunk, see if they will reveal any new information. If that doesn’t work, try something more desparate, like simply asking them!

9. Understand that “social” as in “social life” means chats, status messages, offliners, emails and MMS, SMSes. The words that you should repeat in every sentence you write, think or speak should be “fundas”, “basically”, “trivia”, “question”, “arbit”. You should have the ability to quote all the lines from the IMDB top 250 movies. Every mis-quote will be used against you in a quiz situation.

10. Lastly, ensure that you are loyal to your local and national level quiz clubs, attend all the parties organized by them, try to understand the lingo of your quiz team mates, eat, sleep, drink with them (did I forget to mention the word drink?). Your team mates are always demi-Gods. Worship them as a daily mandate; for they are the ones who you hope will answer at least 39.5 of the 40 questions that will be stabbing you in the heart in your next prelims. If they look at you like an insect, act like one! We are creatures of the underworld; we need the rich texture of quizzing to live it up! Remember, they are the ones who actually prepare for quizzes, unlike us folks.

When all else fails, contact Julian Assange and his team at Wikileaks to get hold of a copy of the quiz!

After you win, do not forget to write back to us with a rant on how inflation eats away your prize money. yes – the same prize that made you richer than the Men’s Singles Winner at Wimbledon!!